Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
