Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
