my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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