she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
