I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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