yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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