You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
