just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
