wanna go halves on a baby?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Can I color on your dick again?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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