So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
