sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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