I accidentally burped into my bong.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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