Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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