I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
