Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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