apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
