Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
