You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize