I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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