My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize