Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
