I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
