walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
