U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
