yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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