I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize