I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
