They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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