I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize