all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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