Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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