3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
