i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He passed out mid-signature
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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