so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
