i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
