My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
