Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
