I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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