I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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