When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
