Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
