I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
