Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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