good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
