Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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