We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
