dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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