So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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