you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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