Cold hands, warm shart.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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