he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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