I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
