everyone is single if you try hard enough
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
