Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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