Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
