i permit you to call me
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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