my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
