so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
