So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
