I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
