Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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