She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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