watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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