He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
