Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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