First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
