i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize