why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
