you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
