Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
