My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize