I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
