i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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