you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
