I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i think i have two assholes
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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