oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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