i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
